A Person I Never Really Knew

My mother was never known for her selfless acts. Sure she was a mother who never was abusive toward me, or never let me go hungry, but that is really as far as that relationship went. I love her, but we are not and have never been best friends.

My mother was recently diagnosed with early onset Alzheimer's. As I began attempting to preserve the memories she did have though pictures and letters, I realized that I had knowledge about her pre-ME. I knew absolutely nothing about her past. Of coarse I had seen school pictures throughout the years, but never anything about the 10 years she lived in Texas, or the falling out she had with my grandparents. She was always about what was going on with her in the now, and never talked about the past.

I came across hundreds of letters, and resumes that my mom had in the 70's/80's. From managing apartment complexes to taking flower arrangement classes to earn some extra money while her first husband was in the service. The saddest part is that when I found these things, I was talking to my mom about my findings, and she could not offer really any information about them. Most of those memories are long gone, and who knows if I will ever know the full story.

I had always dreamed of having a mother as a best friend relationship. Kind of like the relationship that Lorelai and Rory have in Gilmore Girls. 

My best friend still lives with her mom, and I can not help but feel a tinge of jealously when I am around them. I have always wanted to open up to my mom about my personal life, and the struggles that I had in high school/college. But I have never had the feeling that I could, reaching out to my friends and other relatives instead. I am guessing that is what shaped me to be the friendly introvert that I am today. Unfortunately, my mom was the kind that her problems were always worse than yours, and when it came to listening how your day went, she turned it around to be about her day. Eventually I just stopped offering up information, and she never noticed. 

In some ways I feel terribly sorry for my mother. She spent years closing herself off from family and friends (especially after the passing of my brother in 1996 at age 16). I am her only surviving child, and it seems the only person that really has much contact with her at all. As time has passed, I have told myself that she closed herself off from the world, and all I can do is to be there for her until the end and let her know that someone cares.

This has really hit home for me in the recent talks with my boyfriend about having a family in the near future. I don't want to be a parent who never opens up to her children. I want my children to learn from their own mistakes, but also have the wisdom of my experiences. I want to be their best friends, for them to know that I want to hear every detail of their day, and be an ear to listen to all their troubles. I may not have all the answers, but that I will be there to support them without judgment. 

This whole thing has been so hard to process for me as a 23 year old. At this point I am supposed to be out of college, working towards a career, and excited about a future with my boyfriend of three+ years. Instead, I am in charge of my life and the daily life of a 64 year old woman who I call mom, but have no clue who she really is as a person. I know that her favorite color is green, and that she loves the beach, and country music. All of these things are superficial, in the end they don't mean anything. I feel as though it is too late to really get to know my mom. The opportunity to hear all of these stories about how she got to where she is now is passed. And when she passes on..... I will grieve for the person I wanted her to be, not who she was.