The Choice

So I know everyone always wants to do the right thing. I also know that everyone thinks when the time comes to do the right thing, they wouldn't dream of thinking twice. 

Recently my father passed away, and my mother was diagnosed with Alzheimer's at age 64. I just recently moved to Texas in the beginning of 2014 to accept my dream job in Dallas, Texas. This involved working with an international multi million dollar company as a legal assistant. I knew this was my perfect job. Great hours, benefits, and living in a city that I had grown to love over extended visits to see my big sis.

I was settling in and put a deposit down on a new place to live when I got the phone call. Only four months after my father passed away from cancer, my mothers neighbor Dorothy (who had become my mothers caregiver and a grandma to me from the day I was born) passed away. An 83 year old lady who still lived on her own, and has a passion for loving others that was unmatched by anyone I have ever known. 

The time came for a decision....... Give up my dream job and move back to care for my mother? Or just stick her in a nursing home, and visit her once a month. I would love to say that I immediately knew that I wanted to give up everything I had worked so hard towards and move back to care for my mother. But in reality it wasn't that easy. 

I stayed in my home town for two weeks before deciding that I needed to quit my current job. That was the hardest decision I think I have every had to make. I bawled over the phone while explaining my situation, and my inability to give a  two weeks notice. I also cried to the point that I couldn't type as I sent in my resignation through email. I felt like all the words in the universe could not sum up the amount of heart break I was feeling at turning in my resignation. I was a complete failure. This was a career that I was convinced was my forever occupation. My dad was so proud of me for getting this job, and I felt like I let him down. This was to be the career that would support my future children, enable me to purchase a home, and live with a little more money in the bank. And it was all gone as fast as it came. 

I packed up my things, and headed back home to Missouri. I was told on numerous occasions about how selfless I was, and how good of a daughter I was..... but no matter how many times I told myself that, I still had a feeling I could not shake. The bitter feeling of giving up something that you have strived for your entire life. Something that meant more to you that you would let anyone ever know. 

Three months into being back, and I still feel the bitterness creep up on me. It is so hard to be the bigger person sometimes. I had always painted myself as a selfless person who would make mountains move to help others, but when it came to truly putting that to the test, I found myself wanting. You really do learn a lot about yourself under circumstances that you can not control. I am still trying to pick up the pieces of leaving my new life to come back to the old. Every day, trying to let go of the resentment that still runs deep in my mind.